kelly

Welcome to part FIVE of my “What’s a 2 To Do?” series, y’all! Somehow, getting to this fifth installment makes it feel even more like a legit series. I mean, I guess after two blog posts it was already a series of sorts, right? But five feels like a pretty cool benchmark to me, so…HIGH FIVE for post five!

Back in the second post of this series, I went into a little more depth about being an Enneagram 2W3. So, today I want to talk about some misconceptions when it comes to Twos because I think that recognizing and addressing these is important to my own Twoness.

“Twos are competitive people. They are always trying to outdo everyone.” (FALSE.) 

I can’t speak for all Twos, but I can say that I’ve been labeled as competitive and that one stung me. First, let me say that if you are a (healthy) competitive person, there is nothing in the world wrong with that. But that is NOT me. My driving motivation is not being in competition with anyone, unless its my own self.  The one and only way I’m trying to be a competitive personality is just trying to keep becoming the best version of me. Okay, fine…I’ll admit that I’m also competitive playing Mario Kart and I will red turtle-shell my own children to get to that finish line first. I also want to beat the time that Waze first gives me when I’m going somewhere. But, honestly? I am not at all what I consider a truly competitive person. In my Twoness, I try to be someone who encourages and cheers on other people, so that doesn’t leave room for competition. I really want to see others happy, healthy and thriving. I truly don’t see other people as my competition in life.

I think that sometimes we Twos get labeled as competitive because we tend to be “get stuff done” kind of people. We see something that needs to be done and we do it. We anticipate a need and we work to meet it. That’s just who we are. And, I think that sometimes we may come across as taking over when people don’t know us well or don’t realize that our core motivation, more often than not, is a genuine desire just to help out and do good. To tie this back to another blog post, I think this is where we have to have discernment and boundaries so that we keep doing the good we are lead to do, but that we are cognizant to try not to step on any toes. We can’t, and shouldn’t even want to, change our nature to help, but we can make sure that we leave room for others to help when situations arise also. We also have to realize that sometimes our motives are just going to be misjudged and we have to let that be in some cases. We can’t change everyone’s perception, but we can always go forward with our own integrity solidly in place.

Do NOT mistake my kindness for flirting.

Okay, this one is personal, but being a woman I have definitely had my kind and outgoing nature mistaken for flirting. And, I really just want to know…what’s up with that?! Do we really live in such a world that if someone shows kindness and is friendly, chatty and helpful, it’s just an automatic assumption that some flirting is going on? GAH! This is just craziness to me.

My entire life, I’ve been friends with girls and guys alike. In fact, for awhile in my 20’s, I actually had more guy friends than girlfriends. I adore my lady friends, but I am the kind of person who is just going to have guy friends too. It’s how I’m wired. So, let me just throw out a public THANK YOU to my guy friends who know that I’m just being me and that I’m totally not flirting when I’m being nice, chatty, etc. I’m just wired to be a people person and I really don’t have any desire to change that. I’m happily married going on 20 years and I’ve been way out of the flirting (with others) game for a very long time. I’m pretty sure I remember how, but I’m also pretty sure that it looks different than how I act in every day life too. So, please do us Twos a favor and let us be kind and friendly without thinking we have a motive that is anything other than being good people. That’s really what we are out here trying to do is just be good humans.

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I do think that more often than not, our motives are clear and we are respected for being exactly who we are. There are just occasions when our Twoness is misconstrued, so I wanted to clear up at least a couple of those. Two friends, have you had these or similar experiences? What are some things that you wish people knew are NOT true about Twos?

Basically, the takeaway I would like this post to have is for all of us to try to see the best in everyone. Not just Twos, of course. At the end of the day, I believe most of us are genuinely out here trying to be our best selves and trying in our own ways to impart good into this world. Let’s encourage that in one another, shall we?

Be Happy & Healthy, Y’all…
Kelly

Welcome to my fourth installment in the “What’s a 2 To Do?” series here on my Coffee with Kel blog. I hope that y’all are finding this series helpful if you are a Two and informative if you’re another Enneagram number. I also hope that whatever your Enneagram number, you are inspired to dig deeper into it and to identify your strengths and challenges to be your best, healthiest and happiest self.

This week I want to talk about self-care because I know that us Twos aren’t always the greatest at making this happen. Life is busy, we find ourselves immersed in doing all the things, we go and go and give and give and…then…bam… we are just DONE. The point at which we hit the proverbial wall varies for every individual, but I believe that it’s basically inevitable to avoid burnout if we don’t take time for self-care. We all need to rest and recharge. This is where it’s important that we prioritize self-care and it’s also where we remember from last week to have and hold onto healthy boundaries AND to say no when we need to. In order for us to honor being the helper that a Two is by nature, we have to take care of ourselves too. As the saying goes – you cannot pour from an empty cup.

So, first things first…let’s get this stated boldly – SELF-CARE IS NOT SELFISH! 

I promise I’m not yelling above, friends. I’m cheering us on in this! Self-care…is…not…selfish!! If anyone tries to ever make you feel guilty for taking time for yourself, then you know what I’m going to say. Boundaries! The ones who love us and value us will actually want us to be taking the best care of ourselves too. No one who truly appreciates any of us wants to see us depleted. In order to keep shining in our intrinsic nature, we need to be healthy, rested and replenished. So, how can we do this? The honest answer is that there isn’t just one answer. Self-care looks different ways to different people. But, here are some generalized ideas on self-care for Twos.

Self-Care can look like…

• Saying no when you need to. I’m repeating this, but as a hardcore Two, I feel it in my soul. Sometimes we need to say no because we don’t have any availability. Sometimes we need to say no because we’ve been taken advantage of in some way. Sometimes we need to say no because we are tired and need a break. Sometimes we need to say no because something is just not in our wheelhouse. The bottom line is – sometimes, we just need to say NO. And we need to own that no as the good thing that it can be when we need it. Further, we don’t owe an explanation with the no. Taking care of yourself means recognizing when you have the power of no when you need to alongside the power of yes when you want to.
• Maintaining boundaries. Y’all knew I was going to go with this one next, didn’t you? It’s true though. Please don’t ever feel guilty or wrong for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries when you need them. The only people who get mad at you for having healthy boundaries are people who want more of your time and energy than you need to give them. Well all need good, healthy boundaries in our lives.
• Quiet time. I like to take time each day to just be quiet. I will often use this time in the evenings to do my Bible study, soak and read in the bathtub and just chill by myself. I have to give it to my family, they get that I need this and they are gracious in giving me that time. That’s not to say they don’t occasionally pop in, but it’s just that they know I need the time and they are great with it. As much of a people person as I am, I still need this quiet time daily.
• Doing something nice for yourself. The opportunities here are endless. Us Twos tend to be givers, so when you think of giving for others, sometimes be sure to give to yourself. Treat yourself to a drive-thru overpriced coffee drink, get that pair of shoes you have had your eye on, go for a massage, enjoy every little second of a hair appointment. The list could go on and on because this varies by person and we all have things that we like. I’m not saying go on a self spending spree every week, but I am saying to treat yourself now and again…just because.
• Get enough sleep. This one is key for me. Not only am I a 2W3, but I am big time over-thinker. For some reason, my mind loves to go into GO mode when it is time to go to sleep. Quiet time before bedtime helps that, as do supplements such as magnesium citrate and L-theanine. When I am well-rested, I feel better and when I feel better, I feel more like me. We need our rest, that’s just a fundamental fact.

Truly, the list of how we can care for ourselves cannot be summed up in one simple blog post. You know what you need, so I encourage you not to backburner that, but to take care of your own needs just like you take care of others, Twos. Others matter, but so do you. Don’t forget that.

Be Happy & Healthy, Y’all…
Kelly

 

Happy Tuesday, y’all! Or, rather…happy TWOSday on the blog! Part three is on deck, so…let’s go!

In last week’s post, I took a closer look at my makeup as a 2W3 personality. Today, I’m going to speak to what I think initially looks like a challenge for us Two, but can really be a strength when channeled in a healthy way. That, my friends, is healthy boundaries.

I can only really speak for myself, but I bet it’s true that many of us Twos have a hard time with healthy boundaries sometimes. Both in realizing them in others and establishing them for ourselves. Because we are so…very…driven to help and we very often correlate our value with how well/how often/how efficiently we are helpful to others, we can easily miss boundaries that others have established and we can blur them for ourselves. To be fully healthy in our Twoness, we have GOT to get healthy boundaries down pat, y’all.

So, first let’s talk about recognizing and respecting the healthy boundaries of others…

I might as well jump in headfirst on this one because it’s something I am not sure that I realized for awhile. I think that where I, and many, if not most, other Twos find ourselves in being a helper is that we don’t just try to help with what is immediately known, but we also strive to be intuitive and we tend to try to anticipate so that we can be useful even before someone knows they need it. Obviously, this can be a very good quality. I think that goes without saying. But, where it gets tricky and where Twos become misunderstood in our motivations, I think, is where we go full speed ahead with every good and pure motivation, all the while thinking we are doing good, while we may be stepping on toes.

One example of this is in something that happened to a photographer friend. She has a lovely studio that is outside of her town, not in a neighborhood and not even closely bordered by any other homes.  Because she is a photographer who takes amazingly beautiful and very natural photos, she likes to let the flowers, grass and even weeds in backyard of her studio grow up so that it looks whimsical and authentically natural when she shoots there. It’s basically a meadow and is absolutely LOVELY in its natural form. I would say it’s very deliberately rustic, but not at all rundown –  a very well kept natural setting. Well, twice now, some well-intentioned person has come over and mowed her property. TWICE!! This left her brokenhearted because her beautiful nature-scape got reduced to stubble. What she had waited for, planned on and cultivated got taken down with zero notice and without her desire to have it done. Not to mention that no one had her request or  approval for it to happen. The ones who did it surely just thought they were doing a favor. No malice involved. But, even in their kindness, their actions were misguided. Instead of bringing someone joy that they did this “nice” (to them) thing, it wound up being frustrating and, well…sad. This is the very last thing a Two would ever want to do. We want to make things better for others. Part of what brings us fulfillment is doing something that brings smiles and happiness to someone else. I have also had the experience of having my heart absolutely in the right place, but overstepping just the same. It’s hard when that happens because we really just want to add good to the world and make other people’s lives a little bit better in any way we can, so to miss that mark, is a sucker punch, honestly.

So, how do we go about this? How do we balance our need to help with recognizing healthy boundaries that others have in place? First, I think we have to use our discernment. We have to ask ourselves  if we are truly wanting to help because the person needs help OR are we only feeding our own desire to feel good about what we are doing? I know. That can be a lot. Because, it really IS okay to feel good about ourselves when we help other people. But, that cannot be our sole motivator. If someone doesn’t want or need what we have to offer in any given scenario, then we have to respect that and not decide that we know best and do it anyway. I’m talking to myself as much as anyone. Also? Sometimes people aren’t in a place to articulate the help they NEED and we absolutely should go with our gut when we know they truly have a need that should be met. But, again…discernment. Always respect the wishes of others. As I mentioned in the story above – I am sure that whoever mowed the lawn didn’t do it because they were being mean. First of all, who mows a big lawn out of spite? That’s just work for no personal reward, people. But, seriously…I can all but guarantee that their motivations were good, they just really missed the mark. Unless we KNOW that we KNOW that we KNOW…then we don’t need to rush in and save the day every single time.

(And, because I’m a hardcore Two, I feel the need to encourage other Twos by also saying here that it’s okay to have good intentions. Of course, it is. And your goodness is not invalidated if the intentions miss the mark. It’s just healthy to know and respect boundaries so that our energies go in ways that hit the mark more often than not.)

Now, let’s talk about establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries for ourselves…

Two things I want to say right off the bat:

1. It’s okay to say no.
2. You don’t owe an explanation for your no.

Let’s get into this “it’s okay to say no” business because basically any of us Twos will testify that saying NO is not something that really comes natural to us when we get asked to do something. We want to help, we want to be included, we want you to know we care, and we feel value and worth within those things. So, we will say YES even when it feels like we really can’t add one more thing to our lives. We will run ourselves ragged because we do not want to risk rejection. I’m not saying this to make us seem like victims or martyrs, that’s not it at all – it’s just that we are so hardwired to please that we often overextend and forget to take care of our own selves in the process.

But…seriously, Twos…it really IS okay to say no. When we say no to the things we need to say no to, then we are actually freeing up time/energy/availability to the things we want to say yes to. Confession: I am a work in progress on this one, but I’m getting there. I began to find the power of no years ago when I was an elementary school volunteer. Volunteering gives me such a sense of accomplishment and I really do LOVE it. But, there was a point when I was not saying no to anything that was asked of me and I was getting to the point of being frustrated. I finally decided that if I didn’t say no then other people besides me wouldn’t have an opportunity to say yes. So, decided that it was up to me to set my own yes parameters. I can’t even begin to express how much that reduced my stress level AND allowed me to find enjoyment in that volunteering capacity again.  I still have to remind myself to do this, even years into the process, but I’m getting there. And I encourage others to do the same. If you really don’t want to do something or you just can’t, then it’s okay not to.  You are not defined by having to help all the people all the time. You can take a break and still be an amazing human. You can have healthy boundaries and still be a ROCK STAR TWO! Help when you can and when you want to, but when you can’t then all you ever have to say is “No, I can’t do that.” Which brings me to my next point…

You don’t owe an explanation for that no. You just don’t. Take it from a reforming over-explainer…you really don’t owe that much. If you tell someone you can’t do it, that’s all there is to it. The truth is, the ones who really respect and care for you will accept that for what it is because they are going to know that your no isn’t unkind or uncaring, it’s simply a “no” for that very moment.  As much as I hate to say it, the ones who will press you for more details or push you to do something you don’t have time or a desire to do…well, you need healthy boundaries around those people. The people who are genuine within our lives will absolutely respect our established healthy boundaries just like we will do for them. They may be disappointed if we can’t do something they wanted us to do, but their respect will absolutely propel them beyond that. Someone who only wants you to do what they want you to do or only values you for what you offer to them? Not healthy. Establish and maintain those boundaries. Respect must be a two way street, so don’t try to walk it alone because that doesn’t work.

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In order for us to be happy, healthy and genuinely fulfilled, I believe that healthy boundaries are vital. Respecting, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is important to helping us maintain our intrinsic nature as helpers. The world needs what we have to offer, so I believe that when we do this, we are taking a potential challenge and turning it into a strength!

Be Happy & Healthy, Y’all…
Kelly

Last week I began my new blog series “What’s a 2 To Do?” I realized after I posted on a Thursday that I wanted to switch days for this series. I do love a good blog theme, so I decided that a series on my Enneagram Twoness really belongs on a Tuesday. (TWOsday, right?!) So, here we are. Part two (of I don’t know how many) on a Tuesday. Let’s go!

I began this series with a quick look at the Enneagram and I’ll give links at the end of this post for those who are interested. Today I’ll be going into more of what it looks like for me to be an Enneagram 2, specifically a 2W3. Everyone is different, so my 2W3 will absolutely seem familiar in some to other 2W3s, but some of my core strengths and challenges might not be exact to others. That’s okay. This is just a look into what makes me my own brand of 2W3 and as you get more familiar with the Enneagram and your specific typing, my hope is that you can use it as a tool to identify your core strengths and challenges in a way that makes you the healthiest and happiest you that you can be.

First of all…what exactly IS an Enneagram 2?

Enneagram 2s are described in a variety of ways, but it basically comes down to being a helper. Other descriptions I’ve seen are “considerate helper”, “supportive advisor”, and “the giver.” In short, in my own words – Enneagram 2s are “come alongside” people.  I won’t generalize here by saying “we”, although I probably could for most 2 characteristics, so I’ll stick to saying “I” so that I’m not pigeonholing the entirety of the Two world based on myself. So, what it looks like for me is that I find fulfilment and derive personal value from being able to identify needs and help people. The way I’m intrinsically wired is that I am basically always trying to anticipate, identify and execute ways that I can help and be of service to others. For me, this perfectly holds hands with my strongest Love Languages which are “Acts of Service” and “Gifts.”

Okay, so…what’s a 2W3?

Enneagram types often have “wings” which are characteristics that “wing over” into a directly adjacent Enneagram type. In other words, as a strong 2, my wings could only be a 1 or a 3. And, I am very much a 2 wing 3 because my strongest driving force is being a helper (2), but that is closely tied into being driven to achieve (3) for me. For me, personally, as a 2W3, I see myself almost as a “best supporting actress.” And I say that because of the word “supporting” rather than “actress” because none of this is driven by anything other than being authentically me.  What I absolutely LOVE is when I can help/support/uplift someone so that they can be their best selves. Even though I’m pretty outgoing, I am NOT a spotlight seeker. I would much rather be off to the side and let someone else enjoy the spotlight. So, when I say “achieve”, that has a different value for me. It’s not at all that I’m trying to be a super star in life, it’s that I’m trying to achieve being my very best and most healthy self. I don’t need top accolades or honors in order to feel successful, but I do absolutely thrive on being appreciated and valued.

What are some core strengths of Enneagram 2s?

• Helpers – as I’ve said before, Twos are commonly referred to as “the helper.” For me, I definitely find this to be spot on because I find that I seek opportunities to help. In my ever so humble opinion, 2s make ideal employees and volunteers because we are driven by the need to help and be of assistance. Generally speaking, we are not the “it’s not my job” types, but are most likely to roll up our sleeves and pitch in when things need to be done. We find value in what we can do to serve others.
• Relational – as 2s, we draw motivation and sustaining energy in building relationships. In other words, we are “people people.” I would say that many twos are most likely extroverts, but there are some introverts among us as well. We value relationships from family to friends to just being kind to everyone we meet.
• Compassionate – I think that one thing that really drives us as 2s is compassion. We have an inner-working that seeks to not only help, but to anticipate needs. We want people to be happy, healthy and secure and we strive to do what we can to make that happen.

What are some challenges of being an Enneagram 2?

Whereas I went sort of general above in strengths, I am going to look at my own set of challenges here because I think that’s pretty specific to each of us whereas I think the core strengths I mentioned are basically overarching to most, if not all, of us 2s.

• Boundaries – I have definitely found that I need to not only respect healthy boundaries, but I need to establish and maintain them as well. As a 2, I’m motivated to help people, which by now is a given, right? But there are times when discernment has to come into the picture because people don’t always want help or aren’t in a position to be able to accept help for one reason or another. So, even if intentions are pure and motivated by genuine love/compassion/concern, I still have to be mindful and careful not to overstep when the situation doesn’t call for my help. Additionally, I have to be aware of not overextending myself because I have that tendency as well. I tend to GIVE GIVE GIVE until I’m depleted, so I have learned that self care is not selfish and that a part of serving and loving others well is to do the same for myself. And, of course, we always have to be careful that we don’t allow ourselves to be taken advantage of because, unfortunately, that is not entirely uncommon either. It’s always okay to serve when we feel a calling, but it’s also okay to step back and preserve ourselves and our time because there is value within that too.
• Realizing Value – One thing I’m learning and working on prioritizing for myself is not putting quite so much emphasis on drawing personal value from what I can do for others. Now, this is a fine line because there IS value in helping others, of course. So, what I’m learning to put forward in my own life is helping and letting that contribute to my personal value when its healthy, but not letting it fully define me. Just to be candid, one area of vulnerability I have and I’m working on is that I tend to feel unvalued after giving a heartfelt opinion and then having it ignored or seemingly not taken into consideration. This has been known to basically gut me and I can’t let it be that way. What I realize I really need to do is offer my opinion freely, when asked, but then if it’s not taken into consideration or implemented, I have to know that it doesn’t take away any value from me as a person. My opinions and feelings are still valid even if they never go beyond me.

How can I be my best and most healthy self as an Enneagram 2?

Basically, what I’m working on in this is realizing my core strengths AND our challenges so that I can work on each. I never want to quit helping people and I always want to be a person who is known to “come alongside” when there is a need. To kick it back to the my teen years, I want to be that “wing beneath your wings” person. I want to be known as a person who loves and genuinely cares for people. I want it to be apparent that relationships matter to me. And I can only be my best and most healthy self if I am taking care of ME also. Us twos tend to back-burner ourselves because we get so caught up in helping that we don’t always remember that the helper needs help too. So, I’m working on prioritizing self-care as well as learning to ask for help when I need it. The saying “you can’t pour from an empty cup” is so true, so my encouragement to other twos is to take care of YOU too. We can go out and help and make a difference for good in this world and the best way to do that is to make sure we are healthy and that our own needs are met. It’s not selfish. Put that on repeat in your mind, please – self care is NOT selfish!

Remind me, how can I find out my Enneagram type?

There are plenty of tests out there and many of them are free. I like “Classical Enneagram” test on Eclectic Energies’ website and have found it to be accurate.  Your Enneagram Coach also has a free assessment online.

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I’ll be doing a deeper dive into my own Enneagram twoness, looking more at strengths and challenges, as this series progresses. I don’t have any set number of blog posts planned, so if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on what you’d like to see here, please post and let me know.

Be Happy & Healthy, Y’all…
Kelly

 

Additional Enneagram Resources:

Your Enneagram Coach 

Enneagram Institute

The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron

Annie F Downs – That Sounds Fun Podcast – EnneaSummer Series